Michael's Story
My name is Michael and this is my own personal experience with mental illness.
I was born in Brooklyn and was just like every other young person, of my age; I enjoyed writing and playing sports. I found that my interest in writing allowed me to attend college and leave with a Degree in Education. Upon leaving school, I enjoyed a 17-year work history in the insurance industry as an analyst, without problems and with great success.
However, when I was 34, I started experiencing feelings of intense paranoia, I thought that my coworkers were conspiring against me and trying to force me out of my job. This continued and eventually I was unable to function at work, also my family life began to suffer too. Feelings of low self worth, depression, paranoia and suicide occupied my every thought. At this time I wasn’t sleeping, my mind would just race. When I did fall asleep I would have vivid dreams that I was being chased – I just wanted it to stop, I was so afraid.
Eventually my employers couldn’t support me any longer and my family life really started to suffer. The medication I was prescribed at the time just made me feel even more suicidal. In 1995 my life as I knew it came to a sudden and disturbing end. I lost my wife my son and my job. I lost my whole life.
At my lowest point I was at a loss and I just wanted it all to end. But I remembered hearing about an a Clubhouse International Accredited program while I was at my last job. I made the effort to join the program and was amazed! The first thing I noticed which was very different to the other mental health programs I had tried was that there was an equal relationship between the staff and members. I immediately took notice of the side-by-side nature and lack of staff/member roles.
I am pleased to tell you that since I have been involved with the Clubhouse I haven’t had any hospitalizations and my medication has been stable. I have found a new more fulfilling life. If you want to imagine what it must feel like to live with a mental illness, take your worst fear and multiply that by a 10,000 – take that feeling and believe that there is no way out and that you don’t have a soul to turn to. You fear everyone, even those who try to help you. It’s your worst nightmare. But there’s hope. I am a different person now, and with each day I look forward to the next, my life is worth living and my next goal is to return to work. I know that through Clubhouse International that will happen.