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After I got sick my parents had to put me into a mental hospital mainly because they could not watch me all the time. I had no idea what I was to do. After three times of going to the mental hospital, the nurses finally decided to put me into a community care home, and my parents agreed at the time.

I stayed there for nine months. On the seventh month that I was there, I was offered the chance to go to Gateway House. After a couple of months going to the Clubhouse, I noticed that I was doing better. I got up early each morning and started going to what I felt like was a job. Gateway House offered me an apartment. I was so happy because it was my first time to be on my own.

• Now I have been living in my own place for two and a half years.
• It has been three years since I have been in the hospital.
• I see my parents all the time. I go to the grocery store and to Walmart.
• I work on Transitional Employment Placements such as Schlotzky’s Deli, and I currently am working at Met Life.
• I have a cat that lives with me named “Smudge”.

I always tell everyone that my apartment, my home, is my own “piece of heaven.”

I’m Jackie Peckoff, my whole life I had been a very productive person. Until the age of 32, I had a 21-year work history as an office manager in the textiles industry. Like you, I loved the freedom and feeling of being productive and being surrounded by friends and family – but imagine losing those friends and being told that you will never work again?

I first “officially” became ill when I was 32 years of age. Although looking back, I remember times as a young girl feeling depressed and withdrawing to my bedroom. Those feelings never quite went away.  The pain and anguish I felt was overbearing. We all have days when we feel down and don’t want to get out from under the sheets in the morning – but imagine feeling such despair that those sheets feel like the weight of concrete? It got so bad that I would do anything to get out from under the concrete weight, so bad that I would rather die than feel this pain. I attempted suicide a number of times before I was first hospitalized.

Luckily I survived and returned to work but as the years passed I was hospitalized once again, but this time things were different. I was told by the doctors that I would never work again, and that I would spend the rest of my life in the hospital where I was chemically restrained and where electric shock treatment was a legitimate form of therapy. My life could have ended that day, but I had a work history and couldn’t imagine not being productive. In order to leave the hospital you had to have a plan and I heard other patients taking about Fountain House, the very first Clubhouse.

That was the first day of the rest of my life. One of the first things I noticed was that there were no guards at the door gangling their keys ready to lock me in. Plus I was surprised to learn that I could choose my own staff worker. At the hospital you had to take whoever you were given and with my luck I was always given Nurse Ratchit!  But here I was treated with dignity and respect. I was wanted needed and expected to participate. As the years passed I became more and more involved with the program and regained my confidence as a result I was able to return to work and meet new friends. I was soon able to travel around the world and tell my story. 

Now that I’m retired from work, I spend a lot of my time at the Clubhouse International and I am proud to say that I have now been a member of this global movement for over 30 years.

My name is Edith and this is my story. 

I was born in Jamaica in the late 50’s but by the time I was a teenager I had lived in England and then America.  Those years were unhappy times filled with abuse and sexual assault. In my later years I started to hear voices and worse still I started having these sensations that someone was touching me – I felt each muscle being prodded and poked and the voices in my head wouldn’t stop.  It was the worst feeling in the world.  I felt totally alone. As the years passed I managed to get by. I didn’t know I had a mental illness, I just knew that my mind wouldn’t switch off and there was nothing I could do about it. 

When I moved to America, where I went to college and later to work I was able to make a good living, but then feelings of anxiety triggered my depression and the voices.  I couldn’t sleep, my mind and body was not my own. I became very paranoid and kept thinking that I would be raped again.  I even thought that people on TV were talking to me. This is the first time I went to get help.  My doctor prescribed Valium for my anxiety but didn’t acknowledge my other symptoms. It didn’t help. Instead I started to lose jobs and at my most vulnerable point I took an overdose and tried to end my life twice. 

After many terrible years, many of those being homeless, my luck finally changed when I was at Columbia University Shelter – they told me about a Clubhouse here in New York, they suggested I visit them as the shelter only operated through the night and I needed somewhere to go during the day.

I remember the day in 1992 so clearly, I walked into the beautiful building that had a spiral staircase and huge chandeliers, and people were smiling!  A wonderful lady in housing called Bonnie Beam took one look at me and said – you’re not going back to the shelter, we have a room for you. This was the day that my life began. They helped me find my own apartment and introduced me to the program.  I would come in 5 days a week. My old life started to diminish – it didn’t matter anymore because people here loved me.  I got support and developed relationships.  I even started going out to work again! A brand new life had begun.

The program saved my life over and over again. They are my family, friends and now my employer. I am proud to tell you that I am now a staff worker at an Accredited Clubhouse. I hope my story has helped you to understand that I am among millions of people living with mental illness and I am just one example of the thousands of lives that are being changed here at Clubhouse International. I was living in darkness for many years.  I started experiencing the light when Clubhouse International opened its doors for me.

My name is Michael and this is my own personal experience with mental illness.

I was born in Brooklyn and was just like every other young person, of my age; I enjoyed writing and playing sports. I found that my interest in writing allowed me to attend college and leave with a Degree in Education. Upon leaving school, I enjoyed a 17-year work history in the insurance industry as an analyst, without problems and with great success.

However, when I was 34, I started experiencing feelings of intense paranoia, I thought that my coworkers were conspiring against me and trying to force me out of my job. This continued and eventually I was unable to function at work, also my family life began to suffer too. Feelings of low self worth, depression, paranoia and suicide occupied my every thought. At this time I wasn’t sleeping, my mind would just race. When I did fall asleep I would have vivid dreams that I was being chased – I just wanted it to stop, I was so afraid. 

Eventually my employers couldn’t support me any longer and my family life really started to suffer.  The medication I was prescribed at the time just made me feel even more suicidal. In 1995 my life as I knew it came to a sudden and disturbing end. I lost my wife my son and my job. I lost my whole life. 

At my lowest point I was at a loss and I just wanted it all to end. But I remembered hearing about an a Clubhouse International Accredited program while I was at my last job. I made the effort to join the program and was amazed! The first thing I noticed which was very different to the other mental health programs I had tried was that there was an equal relationship between the staff and members. I immediately took notice of the side-by-side nature and lack of staff/member roles.

I am pleased to tell you that since I have been involved with the Clubhouse I haven’t had any hospitalizations and my medication has been stable. I have found a new more fulfilling life. If you want to imagine what it must feel like to live with a mental illness, take your worst fear and multiply that by a 10,000 – take that feeling and believe that there is no way out and that you don’t have a soul to turn to. You fear everyone, even those who try to help you. It’s your worst nightmare. But there’s hope. I am a different person now, and with each day I look forward to the next, my life is worth living and my next goal is to return to work. I know that through Clubhouse International that will happen.

I would like to talk with you for a moment about possibility and worth, and how they correlate with each other. If something is deemed worth a lot then its possibility is most likely higher then if its worth is deemed less. The possibilities began to fade as worth becomes lesser and lesser. I would like to demonstrate this for you with this dollar bill.

Who would want this bill if I crumple it? What if I stomp all over it with my dirty shoes, now imagine if I spit on it, I drag it through the mud, even worse through animal feces, How many of you out there could honestly say you would pick up this dollar bill after all that? I honestly can not say that I would. Has its worth changed? The societal value is still one dollar but who sees that since it has been through so much and has so much cover up? The possibility for this dollar has been pretty much elevated because its worth is no longer recognized by society. It still has the ability to pay for needs and to build interest in a bank however without help from someone who is willing to look beyond the dirt and cover up it will never make it.

My story is similar to this dollar I had so much dirt on my outer walls, I felt there was no possibility for me to grow. I deemed myself worthless as did the majority of society. I was the dollar bill lying at the side of the road in the mud covered in animal feces. As I continuously tried to build my own worth and possibility for the future I was kicked and spit upon by the painful stigma that surrounded living with a mental illness.

Just as I was ready to lay there in the mud and be washed away in the rain, I found something new. A place where the stigma dissipated into the walls of ability and strength, this place helped me realize my worth.

The place I speak of is one of the many Clubhouse International Accredited Clubhouses. It is with the support of the many members and staff of the Clubhouse that I was able to feel my worthiness in this life and develop the many possibilities that I now seek.

My life has changed drastically since joining the Clubhouse, possibilities have opened up which I participate in, on a day to day basis they are acting as co-chair on the Utah Clubhouse Network,  Having the honor of being Secretary of the Alliance House Board of Directors, Participating on many board committees, Participating in the Work-Ordered Day, Speaking on behalf of Clubhouse at many conferences, going to school to become a social worker and being a respected member whom many come to for advice.

I truly could have never seen my life where it is at now 3 years ago, I am at a point where I have achieved a dream of giving back to others. This is a possibility I never thought I could have; I never thought I was worthy to be seen as an equal. However; here I stand before you an equal with as much worth and potential as you. I give you all great honor and respect for being here today because it is you and Clubhouse International that pulls people like me out of the mud supports us in finding our worth and potential in this life.

Although we all have to go through life’s turmoil’s there is no need for people to suffer in silence, alone, or to be tossed in the mud ridiculed by stigma. People like myself, Miles, and Nicholas’s son as well as the millions world wide who are in our hearts today. Solely because they have a mental illness, this is a battle that can be won with support, understanding, and empowerment all of which Clubhouses provide for its members on a day to day basis. Words can not describe how I feel at this very moment, the gratitude I have to my Clubhouse in Salt Lake city, Utah for saving my life, and to Clubhouse International for making it possible. I am Eleisha Marie Hewes, I have a mental illness, I am a member of a Clubhouse, I will succeed.

From a very young age I had a problem interacting with people, but it wasn’t until elementary school that I was diagnosed with both a learning problem and a “psychiatric problem.” The term “psychiatric problem” was never further defined. I was simply labeled and left on my own to cope. This foreshadowed the way my mental illness would affect me for a majority of my life; ever-present, but unaware of what it was or how to get help.

Throughout school I was consistently ostracized and never managed to make friends. I struggled academically and received the lowest SAT scores in my school. My parents decided to send me to Jr. College for two years to better prepare me for college. It was here that I blossomed, for the first time. I received good grades and thrived on the school’s swim team. I even made it to the Jr. Olympics! For the first time, I found things I was really good at and enjoyed doing them.

I was accepted into Monmouth University where I continued to swim and do well in school. I made friends and appeared as every other student. However, my mental illness was still very much present. I was given multiple diagnoses including both Schizoaffective and Bipolar disorder. I was constantly depressed and didn’t feel adequate.

After college my mental illness only grew worse. The pressure was considerably higher and I just didn’t know how to manage the stress. I got a great job in the entertainment business. I never thought my work was sufficient, and continually felt overwhelmed. I plummeted into an even deeper depression when I finally lost my job.

Unaware of assistance for my illness, I continued to self medicate with cocaine. Partying every night of the week became the norm. My happiness revolved around being high, and if I wasn’t I was miserable.  This continued for the next ten years. The combination of my mental illness and addiction was so crushing, that I couldn’t stop. Life became so dark that I intentionally tried to end my life with pills. 

My self medicating habits finally caught up with me. I was hospitalized and diagnosed with double Pneumonia. I realized I had to change my life style dramatically. I quit cocaine cold turkey and bought a house in Pennsylvania. Still plagued by mental illness, and unable to self medicate, my recovery was very arduous. I was trying to better myself, but being sober only seemed to exacerbate my depression. Through multiple phone conversations, a good friend from Chicago picked up on my bipolar symptoms. He came to Pennsylvania to assess the situation and immediately made me promise to see a psychiatrist. The therapy did not provide much relief.

Things only grew worse when my father died. This type of tragedy was supposed to stir great emotion, but my illness was too far gone to allow me to outwardly morn. However, his death did register on a subconscious level which furthered my suicidal thoughts. I was unresponsive to medication and all other forms of therapy. My Doctor resorted to ECT/ Shock Therapy. ECT has come along way from the 50’s when patients were treated subhuman. ECT was the best therapy for me as it brought me out of my darkness. The treatment helped, but the battle was far from over.  Full recovery would be a long process that I could not do alone. In the hospital, I was told about Twin Rivers Clubhouse.

I became a member and immediately saw a light at the end of the tunnel. In the past I was not aware that there was help for my problems. Twin Rivers made me realize that not only was there help, but it was constant and without judgment. People with similar problems could come together and talk out their issues. This was a complete 180 for me; I went from not knowing there was help to finding help and a second family.

While the support system at Twin Rivers was a start, I still wasn’t able to maintain stability. My mother and aunt asked me to move back home and proposed partial hospitalization. At first I resented this, but soon realized they were right. The hospitalization helped me to gain closure from the past. Finally I felt that I was ready to reclaim my life back in NY.

Once I became a member of Fountain House, I felt that my feet were finally cemented. Things became more natural for me. I appreciated the organization, and felt like I found a guidebook that allowed me to flourish. The work order day instilled a sense of purpose for me.

Upon moving back to NY I also became a substitute teacher. I continue to do this because it has raised my confidence level and helped me move forward with future career plans. I want to become a Special Ed teacher.

I am currently living in Fountain House’s housing and eager to move into my own apartment. I am about to start a new position in the Transitional Employment Program. I realize that I have to take one day at a time. I still have relapses, but the important thing to remember is that I am not a mental illness. I am a person that has dreams hopes and aspirations and the confidence that I will continue to succeed.  Now I know that there is help available. My life does not have to revolve around self medication and constant darkness.