Work, Recovery and Growth

by MaryEllen Tribble

When I was ten, I got my first pair of glasses. I can remember the astonishment when I put them on. Is this really how the rest of the world sees? That is what recovery is. It's like I put on that first pair of glasses and finally saw the world for what it was. No longer was I psychiatrically myopic.

I am a person with a mental illness. My recovery has been both difficult and challenging; fear has played a large role in my recovery. When confronted with the fact that I was no longer able to function at my usual level, I found myself not only lacking in self esteem, but dealing with the realities of the illness itself; poor concentration, an absence of motivation, and not knowing how I would feel emotionally from day to day.

A fixed structure such as a Day Treatment Program is often considered to be the remedy for these problems. While this may help some people, the inflexibility and lack of control I felt as a consumer in a Day Treatment Program only served to decrease my ability to take charge of my life. I found the "rules and regulations" absurd and demeaning. I felt as if I were being treated like a helpless child. The clubhouse approach (through T.E.P.s and unit work), for me, offered the best possible help for the issues with which I was struggling. The ability to make choices and set my own pace with encouragement from mentors (other members and staff) truly moved me towards the path of recovery.

In the past, I worked for many, many years in various fast-paced advertising jobs. For me, this represented the worst of all possible work situations. Being on a "line position" allowed me little control over my work day. My time and output were dictated by those above and below me on the line. This job pressure, along with several serious medical problems, set the stage for a total and complete breakdown in my early thirties. Although it has been nearly ten years since my breakdown, my real recovery didn't begin until three years ago when I started attending a clubhouse program.

When I first started coming to the clubhouse, I desperately needed structure in my life. Useful structure. A day full of nothing was as frightening as a day filled with empty tasks. I had no idea of how to pace myself and had little initiative. I just wanted to get better. After a few weeks of hanging out in the smoking room drinking coffee, I was drawn to the Communications Unit by my advocate, who was a person who had shared 200 percent of herself with me already.

I found that it was important to feel needed; that the work I did was useful and appreciated. That this did not occur in the outside world, I felt, was a tragedy. It takes little effort to supply people with encouragement. And I was encouraged. And I grew. Work did not become work; it became a catalyst towards my recovery. I also discovered I had a talent for writing. This was something I suspected, but never cultivated. That discovery also helped me to grow.

I am now working on a T.E.P. at a small chain of gift stores. I find it more physically challenging than mentally, but so far I have completed four months. The T.E.P. has taught me patience and how to pace myself. I have learned to assert myself when it is necessary or proper. I have also learned how good it feels to have others depend on me. It has been therapy in the truest sense.

On a sadder note, it is regrettable that I feel I have to work twice as hard at work to prove I can succeed. I am afraid that my shortcomings and mistakes will be blamed on my illness, not on me as a person. I realize that the stigma against the mentally ill is very strong. Recovery is a road that requires patience and fortitude-- traits considered scarce in people who have a mental illness. Clubhouse work and Transitional Employment offered me a chance to test my wings without the fear of failure or reprisal. For some individuals, however, even the act of arriving at the clubhouse is a giant step. Everyone proceeds at their own pace, becoming ready when the time is right.

Restoring myself to a position of self worth was the most exciting aspect of my recovery, and gave me a deep sense of empowerment. I believe that this began to happen in my life as a direct result of my participation in the clubhouse, and my T.E.P. When I reached this stage and was successful, I began to realize my potential as a fully functional and happy person of the human race.

As I gained self esteem in both T.E.P. and clubhouse work, my contacts with other people were no longer limited to those in the psychiatric field. My social contacts began to be transferred to a more main streamed environment. I found that the fear I had carried around of losing my "nurturing" environment was unfounded. I was able to create this nurturance for myself, in many situations. Aspects of the so-called "real" world were not nearly as frightening as I imagined they would be. It became a challenge to learn to deal with situations I thought I had no control over. At times, I depended on the intervention of my placement manager and/or advocate, until I was able to relearn the skills needed.

My road to recovery has involved many attempts at integration with the outside world, which is in keeping with the clubhouse philosophy of "normalization," or the realization of the importance of being part of the cultural norm. Many employers are surprised to discover that people with a mental illness actually want to work, and that they desire to reach a higher level of achievement through successful interactions with their new peers. I am very lucky. I work with people with whom I socialize outside of work. I consider these people my friends.

and outside, at my T.E.P. job site. My fear of losing my "safety net" vanished, as I discovered I was indeed capable of successfully completing my T.E.P.

At times, culture shock did become a barrier to my growth. I had become comfortable with my disability check, and with a more flexible schedule. I initially felt trapped by the new commitments that came along with a job. The fear of success was also very real, but talking with my advocate, placement manager, or therapist helped alleviate these fears. In many situations, though, a member may simply not be ready for a T.E.P. It is not necessarily bad when a T.E.P. is not an attainable goal at that time. It only means that that person may not have yet reached a point where work outside the clubhouse is the primary path for recovery. Unit work within the clubhouse still offers the same incentives and rewards that paid employment does, and it is just as valid and important.

Returning to paid employment was one of the steps that would eventually assist me in my recovery. However, losses occurred with gains. One of the first things that happened was that I found myself back in a tight, structured day. I found this very difficult to return to after a seven year absence from work. I realize from this that future career goals will need to encompass a less structured vocation. It was this severe structure and hierarchy that led me on my way to a breakdown in 1986. I know this now and understand that conventional employment is not the only option open to me. This has encouraged me to pursue the fields of free-lance writing and art. While I am a very social person and enjoy working with others, I feel, in truth, I may work best alone.

Shortly after starting my T.E.P., I was notified that my State medical assistance would be terminated. Initially, I was terrified, then outraged. My medications alone amounted to over $300.00 a month. I also lost my food stamps and coverage for psychiatric visits. These amounts alone negated any earnings I made. It did not pay me financially to work. But it did emotionally.

There is something terribly wrong with a system that penalizes you for making an honest effort to become a participant in the regular world. Luckily, with the assistance of my placement manager and my therapist, and the generosity of free-care programs, I was able to compensate for this unfortunate legislation. The Federal system (S.S.D.I.), allows for a much broader and liberal approach for attempts towards paid employment. When my T.E.P. is completed, my benefits will be restored. Clubhouse or T.E. work required a letting go of an old mind-set and reaching out in blind faith towards growth. I needed to let go of certainties completely, to free my hands to grasp the handle of recovery.

Work and Recovery

and worthy. All this is necessary for professional, spiritual, and emotional growth. T.E.P.s and clubhouse work are beginnings toward this growth.

By doing worthwhile work and interacting with others, a fertile soil is prepared for growth. But like a seed planted in a garden, we all need and deserve nurturing. That this opportunity was available to assist me in my recovery was a remarkable thing. My life, as well as the lives of those around me, has been transformed from fear and despair to hope and joy through the intervention of my clubhouse.

MaryEllen Tribble is a member of Baybridge Clubhouse in Hyannis, Massachusetts.